Dealbreakers

[lillibet]

I love advice columns. Perhaps because I love to give advice myself, or for the rubbernecking opportunities, but I spend a few minutes over my lunch most days reading what Margo, Meredith, Miss Manners and yes, even the ersazt Prudence have to say. From their columns I occasionally follow other links with Cosmo-like titles like "3 Women Not to Date" or "What Your Man Really Wants for Christmas". They're occasionally good for a giggle and give me a little clue about what the media has to say about relationships these days.

Today's entry is 5 Things Men Do You Didn't Know were Dealbreakers for Women and I have to admit that all of these things have bothered me in various relationships and how we've dealt with them, or failed to, have led to breakups.

The five they picked, in case you'd rather not follow the link, are:
1) Gaping - ogling other women in front of one's date
2) Commitment-Phobia, which they see indicated by failing to keep in touch and show up on time
3) Goofball - failing to recognize that silliness should be balanced by seriousness
4) Hygiene
5) Boredom

It made me curious: are these dealbreakers for you? I'm interested in hearing from both women and men. Is there a common one from your experience that didn't make the list? Is it the issue itself that's a problem, or the failure to deal with it after you've raised it? Or are you unlikely to raise issues like these?

Comments

[gilana]

#1 isn't generally a problem for me -- I often point out hot women that my boyfriends might have missed, and they do the same for me. Maybe it's a function of being bi? But as long as I feel secure in the fact that they find me attractive, I don't mind guys looking at other women.

[amenirdis.livejournal.com]

Um?

1. I could care less about gaping. Whatever. I like to look at beautiful women too.
2. I don't think these are the same thing. Expecting me to always be the one to get in touch and never showing up on time are big, big problems for me in a friendship, because I think they're indicative of lack of respect. If I'm not worth keeping in touch with unless I do all the work, or my time is so worthless that it's ok to stand me up in Starbucks for 45 minutes, then they don't think much of me. But I don't see what that has to do with commitment. In fact, the best way to scare me away is to get too heavy too soon. I do not want to hear that l-word for a couple of years!
3. That's a personality thing. I've never been attracted to goofballs, but that's my taste.
4. Ok, yeah, hygiene is a turn off. I'll give them that.
5. You mean if I'm bored or they are? If I'm bored, yeah, that's a dealbreaker.

[firstfrost.livejournal.com]

I think I would be bothered by blatant ogling not because of jealousy, but because I think it's rude to the oglee (except in appropriate circumstances) and too much rudeness would be a dealbreaker for me. :)

The other thing that's a dealbreaker for long-term relationships is feeling that I have some veto power over decisions he's making that affect me. I think I wouldn't have been able to deal well with something like medical residency or army transfers, where I would have to move around without any control over it.

Yes

[taura-g.livejournal.com]

#1 - Not so much, unless they are being really lewd and tactless.

#2 - Definitely. Don't make promises or plans you can't or won't keep. This has led to at least 2 breakups.

#3 - I don't remember ever having this problem.

#4 - I had this conversation with a guy in college I dated, and he got much better about it.

#5 - I've had this issue and conversation on both sides - where I was bored or they were bored doing something I wanted to do. The guy who adapted and learned to let me do my own thing when he was gaming or whatever became my husband :-). The girl who kept on insisting on attending things with me even though she was bored and then drove us both nuts, I broke up with for several different reasons, but that was one of them.

[jillbertini.livejournal.com]

I must just be lucky, because I don't think I've ever had to deal with any of those issues. I am a minor slob, and that causes friction and I know it bugs my partner, but I just can't seem to change that.

I'd say the only dealbreaker for me is lack of respect, which I suppose #2 gets at. But not just for my time.

I love a goofball, but like anything, if there isn't any balance, it's not so great after a while.

[trowa-barton.livejournal.com]

#2 should be #1 to me, because I've had years of having to dealing with no-shows or people who just...bailed on me.
I normally follow #1 to begin with. As a male, I haven't had problems with women looking at other guys. If anything, they were looking at other women. In poly dating, it may be fun to compare notes, but NOT ON THE FIRST FEW DATES.
#3-5 are so true.

[muffyjo]

2. Failing to keep in touch/show up on time. Mostly it indicates that they're not that into me.

4. Oh boy, yes.

5. Again with the either I'm not that into them, or they aren't that into me thing depending on how you interpret the question.

I'd add...in the poly world:
My take on #1 - talking exclusively about the woman you wish you were sleeping with but isn't there at the moment despite the fact that I'm sitting at the table with you having dinner. Hello? Live body here. Invest some attention to the person in front of you if you actually want to be dating. Otherwise I'll figure you're not that into me.

Also a knockout:
A monosylabic one sided conversation. I need to get better at open ended questions but really, throw me a bone. If I'm trying to ask you things about you and you don't feel like talking about it...try asking me questions about me? I want someone who is willing to at least meet me halfway.

[minkrose]

I'm totally with you on that last one, especially with friends. I decided to stop CONTACTING a friend of mine, just to see how long it would take him to notice. It took a year and a half. Every time I had called him, he didn't say much! I figured I'd stop bothering him. He thought I was angry, which was... interesting (and not particularly self-aware).

[wellstar.livejournal.com]

Completely ignoring the point of your post, but do you read Carolyn Hax? She's my favorite.

[lillibet.livejournal.com]

No, but I will now! Thanks!

[preraphaelite.livejournal.com]

Seconded highly! She is brilliant.

[whitebird.livejournal.com]

1. I've been lucky in that most women I have dated have (seemingly) enjoyed pointing out cute females to me. Some of the bi women I have dated have certainly appreciated reciprocity.
2. I've been really lucky in that that has never been a problem, as far as I can determine.
3. Again, I tend to associate with people who are similar to me in that sort of way.
4. I've never been with a woman who has had any sort of hygiene problems. But I did get to scold a woman for sticking her finger into the salt cellar at a restaurant. "Look, I don't mind at all if you use your fingers to eat, but move things to your plate first, before ruining an interesting presentation of spices and condiments by sticking your fingers into it when others will be using it later." To her credit, she understood completely, and agreed.
5. I can not think of a girlfriend I have had who was boring. I may have been boring to a few girlfriends, however. But it hasn't been specifically mentioned.

[fanw.livejournal.com]

1) Gaping I don't mind, particularly if they bring it to my attention. I like appreciating a beautiful woman. (That said, abandoning me at a party and focusing entirely on another woman while I'm still standing there is a no-no.
2) I too don't see it as commitment. For me it's more priorities. If they don't want to come to my parties or my concerts or my other outtings then they just don't want to share what I have to offer.
3) I actually did have a problem with a goofball. I do require a certain amount of silly, but if someone is unable or unwilling to discuss politics or watch a serious movie or care about what's going on in the world around them, I get turned off.
4 + 5) You see, I don't see someone as attractive unless they have decent hygiene and are interesting. I don't require fashion, cologne, or shaving -- just soap clean, but that is necessary. And interesting? Wouldn't consider dating a non-interesting person.

[deguspice.livejournal.com]

#1 - I remember a friend in college telling her boyfriend "You look, you're normal. You touch, you're dead."

[minkrose]

The theme I see in this comments is that most of these could problems IF taken to their logical extremes. That said, I think that's true of almost any issue.

I also agree that while I wouldn't call #2 commitment phobia, the behavior described is unacceptable to me with friends, much less people I am dating.

Hygiene is the most obvious dealbreaker, to me. Beyond that... it's hard to say. I think honesty is probably my biggest issue, but random abandonment (as in, disappearing for days at a time, especially if we were mid-conversation on IM or whatever) was a huge problem in one relationship that I had and has turned into a bit of a trigger for me. But I think that might fall into the #2 taken to extremes category.

Interesting topic. I've been thinking about it a lot.

[weegoddess.livejournal.com]

Hygiene. Totally hygiene. Honestly, I don't actually like chronic goofball behavior either; it seems disrespectful and inconsiderate to me and THAT is a dealbreaker.

I suspect that #2 and the 'ogling' one are also about disrespect, even if the jealousy is usually borne out of insecurity. (Yes, it is. I've never seen a jealous fit yet that wasn't. An exception might be if a Domme had forbidden a slave to look at anyone else and the slave disobeyed. But that's likely not what Cosmo was angling towards.) Still, I could totally understand that if a person asked their sweetie to not ogle in front of them, and the sweetie does anyway, that such would be a deal-breaker.

[dietrich.livejournal.com]

Other folks have said good stuff about the given points, but for me probably the biggest dealbreaker is lack of passion. This can manifest as not being engaged enough with the world, not getting really excited about anything, not being into me enough, or waffling over seeing me.