Storyworth: Changing My Mind
Mar. 5th, 2021 03:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lillibetWhat have you changed your mind about over the years?
I know that my attitudes about many things have changed significantly over time. I've become much more liberal, especially in the past five years, and much more compassionate toward others. My understanding of class, misogyny, racism, and issues around gender and sexuality continues to expand in ways that have vastly, if not dramatically changed how I think about the world.
Rarely has there been a single moment when I thought "oh, I was wrong about that, it's actually the other way." Most of the time there are many conversations about a topic, articles or books that present different ways of thinking, experiences that challenge my assumptions, all of which together lead to a slow evolution of understanding.
Sometimes one can't even remember that one's mind has changed, much less catch it in the act. This always surprises me when I encounter it in others. People have expressed opinions that stuck in my head, only to tell me quite the opposite a few years later, or made decisions that indicate their thinking must have undergone a radical change. I've learned that if I question that change, I usually get told that I must have misunderstood them in the past. I have the impression that I remember my previous states of mind more clearly than others do, but perhaps that's an illusion of self.
Many of my past opinions are shameful to me now. I try not to let them keep me awake at night, even though I feel the urge to go back to the people who've probably long since forgotten those conversations and apologize for being so wrong. I console myself with Maya Angelou's advice: "Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better." And I try to let my own wrongness be a source of compassion and understanding toward those I now believe to be wrong.
One thing I have completely changed my mind about is anti-depressant medication. I remember having a conversation with someone in college and saying that I would hate to have to be on meds. I trotted out the usual mistaken ideas about it changing who you are in an essential way, falsely insulating you from the real world, and being a lazy way of refusing to take responsibility for one's own mental state--none of which I believe now.
I now understand mental illness as a health issue, rather than the moral failing I was raised to believe. I understand that medication for mental illness is no more questionable than medication for heart disease, or allergies--another sign of a weak will, according to my mother. Some people's brains don't provide the balance of neurotransmitters required for healthy functioning, or otherwise create skewed experiences of the external world, and medication can help. It doesn't change who you are as a person, although sometimes the changes can be so dramatic that it might seem that way from the outside. Trying anti-depressant medication is also not necessarily a lifetime commitment--for many people it can be a temporary fix and trying it for a short time is not like courting an addiction. Pain--physical, or mental--can be a useful indicator, but there is no virtue in enduring it when remedy is available.
My thinking about this had already changed by the time I needed medication and I had encouraged several similarly resistant friends to give it a try. During the years that I was unable to conceive a child I became depressed. When I realized that, I sought out therapy immediately and when things got worse it was me who said "I think it's time for meds." Unfortunately, it turns out that I am so sensitive to SSRIs that medication wasn't a longterm solution for me at that time--although if I had needed it, I would have investigated more options--but even a couple of months on medication lifted the weight enough for me to readjust. Oh, that I had understood then what I know so well now!
When I realize that I've changed my mind about something, it's tempting to do a kind of inventory of my opinions, to see what else has changed while I wasn't really paying attention. It's also tempting to worry what fatuous and ignorant opinions I'm defending now. But all we can do is pay attention, notice when our thinking has changed, and be willing to own up to that and do better.
I know that my attitudes about many things have changed significantly over time. I've become much more liberal, especially in the past five years, and much more compassionate toward others. My understanding of class, misogyny, racism, and issues around gender and sexuality continues to expand in ways that have vastly, if not dramatically changed how I think about the world.
Rarely has there been a single moment when I thought "oh, I was wrong about that, it's actually the other way." Most of the time there are many conversations about a topic, articles or books that present different ways of thinking, experiences that challenge my assumptions, all of which together lead to a slow evolution of understanding.
Sometimes one can't even remember that one's mind has changed, much less catch it in the act. This always surprises me when I encounter it in others. People have expressed opinions that stuck in my head, only to tell me quite the opposite a few years later, or made decisions that indicate their thinking must have undergone a radical change. I've learned that if I question that change, I usually get told that I must have misunderstood them in the past. I have the impression that I remember my previous states of mind more clearly than others do, but perhaps that's an illusion of self.
Many of my past opinions are shameful to me now. I try not to let them keep me awake at night, even though I feel the urge to go back to the people who've probably long since forgotten those conversations and apologize for being so wrong. I console myself with Maya Angelou's advice: "Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better." And I try to let my own wrongness be a source of compassion and understanding toward those I now believe to be wrong.
One thing I have completely changed my mind about is anti-depressant medication. I remember having a conversation with someone in college and saying that I would hate to have to be on meds. I trotted out the usual mistaken ideas about it changing who you are in an essential way, falsely insulating you from the real world, and being a lazy way of refusing to take responsibility for one's own mental state--none of which I believe now.
I now understand mental illness as a health issue, rather than the moral failing I was raised to believe. I understand that medication for mental illness is no more questionable than medication for heart disease, or allergies--another sign of a weak will, according to my mother. Some people's brains don't provide the balance of neurotransmitters required for healthy functioning, or otherwise create skewed experiences of the external world, and medication can help. It doesn't change who you are as a person, although sometimes the changes can be so dramatic that it might seem that way from the outside. Trying anti-depressant medication is also not necessarily a lifetime commitment--for many people it can be a temporary fix and trying it for a short time is not like courting an addiction. Pain--physical, or mental--can be a useful indicator, but there is no virtue in enduring it when remedy is available.
My thinking about this had already changed by the time I needed medication and I had encouraged several similarly resistant friends to give it a try. During the years that I was unable to conceive a child I became depressed. When I realized that, I sought out therapy immediately and when things got worse it was me who said "I think it's time for meds." Unfortunately, it turns out that I am so sensitive to SSRIs that medication wasn't a longterm solution for me at that time--although if I had needed it, I would have investigated more options--but even a couple of months on medication lifted the weight enough for me to readjust. Oh, that I had understood then what I know so well now!
When I realize that I've changed my mind about something, it's tempting to do a kind of inventory of my opinions, to see what else has changed while I wasn't really paying attention. It's also tempting to worry what fatuous and ignorant opinions I'm defending now. But all we can do is pay attention, notice when our thinking has changed, and be willing to own up to that and do better.
no subject
Date: 2021-03-05 09:56 pm (UTC)