Observation One: Let me again recommend the body of work from The Gottman Institure, especially The Seven Secrets for a Successful Marriage, which spends a fair bit of ink (admittedly pop-psych ink) on the physiology and neuroanatomy of such things, in addition to a phenomenal raft of actual data-derived information about r'ship structure, long-term prognosis, etc.
Observation Two: the days of heady NRE are useful in a couple of ways - first, it gives you a biological reason to ignore when one's new paramour demonstrates idiosyncratic behaviors, like leaving all of their clothes on the floor in the morning or biting the heads off of bats. Since it's a lot easier to decide whether or not one wishes to cope with such idiosyncrasies if one is actually exposed to them, this is more useful than it may first appear. Secondly, I think that the very mismatch you report is itself useful - if one of you is far more compelled by your imagining of the other person than they are by their imagining of you, that's probably a good sign that this will not be a smooth and mutually fulfilling relationship.
Observation Three: it can feel like all of their excitement really has nothing to do with you. Hmm. I really think that says a lot more about the object of the affection having issues than the source of the affection. I think that this phrase is particularly telling: you know that you're probably not as undilutedly cool as they think you are right this minute - isn't that really a matter of their choice and their perception, not yours? I mean, sure, you may know that you bite the heads off of bats occasionally and that's kind of off-putting to most folks and your charming new sweetie may not know that yet, but still, how compelling someone else finds you really is about how interacting with you works for them, and that's not something you have any direct insight into - all you know is what they tell you and what you can glean from what they do. I guess what I'm trying to say in a nut-shell is that any permutation of Don't You Dare Put Me On A Pedastal, I'm Afraid Of Heights! is not appreciably more sane than You Must Put Me On A Pedastal Or You're Not Worth My Time. They're just different from each other.
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branchandroot
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Date: 2007-01-04 11:03 pm (UTC)Observation Two: the days of heady NRE are useful in a couple of ways - first, it gives you a biological reason to ignore when one's new paramour demonstrates idiosyncratic behaviors, like leaving all of their clothes on the floor in the morning or biting the heads off of bats. Since it's a lot easier to decide whether or not one wishes to cope with such idiosyncrasies if one is actually exposed to them, this is more useful than it may first appear. Secondly, I think that the very mismatch you report is itself useful - if one of you is far more compelled by your imagining of the other person than they are by their imagining of you, that's probably a good sign that this will not be a smooth and mutually fulfilling relationship.
Observation Three: it can feel like all of their excitement really has nothing to do with you. Hmm. I really think that says a lot more about the object of the affection having issues than the source of the affection. I think that this phrase is particularly telling: you know that you're probably not as undilutedly cool as they think you are right this minute - isn't that really a matter of their choice and their perception, not yours? I mean, sure, you may know that you bite the heads off of bats occasionally and that's kind of off-putting to most folks and your charming new sweetie may not know that yet, but still, how compelling someone else finds you really is about how interacting with you works for them, and that's not something you have any direct insight into - all you know is what they tell you and what you can glean from what they do. I guess what I'm trying to say in a nut-shell is that any permutation of Don't You Dare Put Me On A Pedastal, I'm Afraid Of Heights! is not appreciably more sane than You Must Put Me On A Pedastal Or You're Not Worth My Time. They're just different from each other.