What makes relationships work

[lillibet]

There's a nice summary of recent research at Psychology Today this morning.

Comments

[orbitalmechanic.livejournal.com]

Oh, thanks for posting this--I've been really impressed by some of Pepper Schwartz's work in this area. (I'm thinking especially of _Peer Marriage_, in part because she gives a very compelling explanation of the attractions of a non-peer marriage, for both partners.)

[dpolicar]

"My partner is a very good listener."/"My partner does not understand how I feel."
"We have a good balance of leisure time spent together and separately."
"We find it easy to think of things to do together."
"I am very satisfied with how we talk to each other."
"We are creative in how we handle our differences."
"Making financial decisions is not difficult."
"Our sexual relationship is satisfying and fulfilling."
"We are both equally willing to make adjustments in the relationship."
"I can share feelings and ideas with my partner during disagreements."
"My partner understands my opinions and ideas."

(nods) These are good questions, and it doesn't surprise me at all that happy couples predominantly give the right answers, and unhappy couples predominantly give the wrong answers.

Do you know if anyone has done the associated longitudinal study?

That is, the article is pretty clearly implying that the answers to these questions pre-date and cause the happiness/unhappiness in the relationship. But I can see it being equally true that, no matter what causes unhappiness in the relationship, all of the above suffer in consequence.

Which still makes them useful barometers, but it stops being "what makes relationships work" and starts being "how to recognize a working relationship".

[orbitalmechanic.livejournal.com]

I've seen some study somewhere, I know sorry I have no idea where, that did a seven-year study and found communication skills to be predictors, not results. Interestingly, it also found that a certain level of disagreement was inevitable, and another predictor of long-term happiness was the ability, or decision, to live with it instead of trying to work everything out. That changed the way I think about relationship fights, and a few years ago I got to see a marriage pretty much fall apart over exactly that problem. (That is, the disagreements were major, but the crisis occurred over the fact that any engagement was uncontainable.)

[muffyjo]

I think those are often valid reasons why all relationships work (not just sexual partnerships).