Ugly Talk

[lillibet]

Elizabeth Bear has a great entry today about how women denigrate and insult themselves and that we have to stop. (No, women are not alone in doing this, but I agree that it is much rarer to hear a man do this casually in public.)

Go read it, I'll be here.

I do this. Not as much as some people, because I learned long ago that I needed to be the best friend to myself I could be, but reflexively--"idiot" is the phrase that comes quickest to my tongue. I try not to and I keep trying.

Recently I had the raw experience of sitting next to someone--someone talented and intelligent and capable--as she repeatedly ripped into herself for annoying, but trivial mistakes. And it was like sitting next to an abusive couple. It's even harder to get in the middle of a fight between a person and their own demons than it is between two individuals.

Someone in my cast said to me last week that he loves how I look at the cast. It's not hard--because they are all beautiful and talented--but I do consciously try to project to them that I have complete confidence in their abilities and efforts, that I believe in them as actors and as human beings. I wish that I could turn that gaze on all of you...and I think I should practice it in the mirror.

Comments

[http://users.livejournal.com/urban_faerie_/]

Oh yeah, this is so true. In the last few years I've been trying to just accept compliments from people without trying to tell them that they're wrong. If it makes me feel uncomfortable to be recognized for something good I've done, or if I look nice, I just suck it up and say, "thank you". So far the earth has not swallowed me up whole but I'm still irrationally terrified that somebody will hear me accept a compliment and think I'm terribly full of myself and self centered.
I was raised to be humble, as I'm sure many people are, but too many women take this to the extreme. You can accept a compliment in a humble manner. The rare times you think the giver of the compliment is truly wrong (i.e somebody gave you credit for doing something on your own that others helped with, etc.) you can correct them without tearing yourself to shreds. Really, it's possible! Someday, if it takes me until I'm 90, I'll be able to do this without a second thought.

[lillibet.livejournal.com]

I find that working at the theatre gives me a lot of opportunities to think about this and work at it. Obviously almost everything I do is collaborative and I have the joy of accepting compliments on behalf of the whole group, but I've also had to acknowledge my role in the process and that I do deserve some of the praise and positive feedback and that thanking people graciously is part of my job there.

[fenicedautun.livejournal.com]

THIS!

[yix.livejournal.com]

When I was in my 20s I used the phrase, "it's all about me" quite a bit as a sort of mantra to counter this overwhelming urge I had to please everyone else BUT me. Towards the end of my 20s I realized that I didn't need that anymore, so that's good....but like urban_faeie below I also had a really hard time teaching myself to just say "thank you" without deflecting.

I really like this quote from your post:

Recently I had the raw experience of sitting next to someone--someone talented and intelligent and capable--as she repeatedly ripped into herself for annoying, but trivial mistakes. And it was like sitting next to an abusive couple. It's even harder to get in the middle of a fight between a person and their own demons than it is between two individuals.

I hope to teach my daughter not to go down this ugly talk path.

[lillibet.livejournal.com]

I actually like this use of that phrase--when I use it it's mostly a self-chiding acknowledgment that no, it actually isn't all about me (which is true much of the time). But there are certainly times that it is and should be.

One of the phrases I hand to people who seem to be too focused on pleasing everyone else is "you are enough"--you don't have to earn your place at the table, in the group of friends, in the relationship, because just being you and being here is enough.

[muffyjo]

OMG, worth the read. I forwarded it on (and gave you credit). Yes, THIS.

[rising-moon.livejournal.com]

...it was like sitting next to an abusive couple. It's even harder to get in the middle of a fight between a person and their own demons than it is between two individuals.

Beautifully put.

[outerjenise.livejournal.com]

I think everyone does this to some extent. Men I know do this, too, so it's not exclusive to women. Do we do it more frequently? Perhaps. Hard to say.

I know I do this. I have this really bad habit of making a mistake and muttering under my breath, "Idiot." This is a holdover from my childhood, when my parents constantly ridiculed me and pounced on any error I made. "How can someone so smart be so dumb?" was a frequent saying in my house. My father called me Spock. It was not kindly meant. So that forms a lot of my background noise.

But also in my background noise is an oppositional voice that I seem to have developed to counteract this, the one that says, "Wow, I'm smart. That was awesome. I'm amazing." And this voice is equally hard to deal with because a) if I believe it, I'm raising my expectations to the point where, when I fail, I feel it more and b) most of the time I don't believe it. I spend entirely too much time arguing with myself in my head.

Why is it so hard for us to know ourselves, when we spend every waking and sleeping moment inside our own heads? Are we the forest or the trees?

[hilaritea.livejournal.com]

At work, I am very well aware of the fact that I am a role model for the next generation, and I take that very seriously. I think people who know me would be pleasantly surprised to see me in my classroom. Just like I'd model how to write analysis, I model how to talk positively about yourself. When any of my students call themselves stupid, I am the first to rush in as their cheerleader and say they're not stupid, they're frustrated. I have a no apologizing unless you've hurt someone rule. Kids follow it fiercely, and so do I.
My first year really focusing on this, a 10th grader said to me that she wanted to be like me when she grew up because I was so self-confident and always saw the best in everyone. I was shocked. Nobody describes me that way, but that is my teacher-persona. Somehow, this hasn't translated into my "real" life, but that is the subject of an LJ post I suppose I will write now.