Cross-Cultural Communication

[lillibet]

I'm married to a Vulcan. This has advantages, but sometimes it can be a little awkward.

Tonight I got email from a friend of mine who would like J. to think positively of him. This friend came to see MITC and afterward chatted a bit with J., to tell him how much he enjoyed the show. Apparently he said something to which Jason did not reply, leading him to believe that J. was taken aback and perhaps even offended at the comment. No, he just didn't have anything to say, so he didn't say anything and continued looking impassively at the speaker. So for the past month the poor guy has been fretting that J. thinks he's an ass and how is he going to face him at a party this weekend and...

This is part of an ongoing interface problem that J. has. He's quiet, which at his height people take for aloofness and unfriendliness. And he has non-standard facial expressions, such that his "I'm carefully considering what you say" looks just like "I am enraged and will shortly attack". His "please, tell me more" tends to look like extreme boredom. What looks like "I heartily agree" is just "I'm aware that you are speaking English." (As you may be able to tell, I have made careful study of his expressions and can provide a key to anyone interested.) The result is that most people think he actively doesn't like them, when the truth is that he is generally predisposed to like everyone (much moreso than I am--oh, the irony!).

An amusing outcome is that he's like an Insecurity Detector, because people interpret his reaction based on what they fear he's thinking. So, guys who think I'm hot think he's incredibly jealous. People who are nervous about talking too much think that he thinks they are obnoxiously chatty. Low self-esteem folk tend to apologize to me for bothering him. Of course, all of them tell these things to me because he is, much to his chagrin, intimidating, and I'm left going "No, no, really--he doesn't dislike you, he's just funny that way. Give him a chance."

One solution--a bit sad, but at least there is one--is to get him drunk. He's extremely outgoing, chatty and affectionate when he's tipsy--more than once he has talked someone's ear off at a party, believe it or not. Alcohol lowers his inhibitions and his latency verbal response and lets him out of his head--for which reasons it is his drug of choice. Or just get to know him--go ahead and talk at him, he likes that a lot and he really is listening. After a few episodes of that, he tends to get more comfortable and begin working his words in edgewise. And he's a really fun and interesting guy.

Comments

[feoh.livejournal.com]

An interesting parallel between J and I is that I get people mis-interpreting my body language all the time also. I make people uncomfortable by not maintaining eye contact, and even when I *am* maintaining eye contact because the way my vision is skewed they aren't perceiving it that way.

Also, I tend to miss subtle body language queues that seem to come naturally to some people. It can make for some interesting social interactions.

I try my best to adapt but when push come to shove I view it as an open minded-ness filter. If you see that something's not quite right with the way I'm responding or failing to respond to you body language wise, you'll either ask me what's up with the weird eye thing OR you'll just figure it's just an odd quirk of mine and either take the time to get to know me or not.

I would hope that people would give J the same benefit of the doubt, and in the rare cases where they don't like the one you described, that you can act as a buffer to whatever extent you're comfortable.

[candle-light.livejournal.com]

This is very interesting to read. After nattering at you at Ben & Ann's wedding (after not seeing you for a few years), I was left with the impression that he didn't like me. Since I'd been talking a bit, I figured I'd bored him to death (he certainly looked like I had). I've sort of been working on the assumption that he still didn't like me, but put up with me (and the kids) because I know you...

[lillibet.livejournal.com]

Nope. He absolutely does not dislike you and we're both quite fond of Isaac.

[dpolicar]

Oh, yes.
For what it's worth, I am very aware of this fact about your darling husband, and have done a relatively decent job of translating in the time I've known him.
(Well, I think I have. I mean, it's possible that I'm the exception and he really does think I'm a pretentious bore and I just keep discounting all of those signals because I'm pretty sure they aren't veridical. But it seems unlikely, and in any case I don't choose to plause it.)

[lillibet.livejournal.com]

That's good to know. You're right--he's actually quite fond of both your company and your conversation.

[earthling177.livejournal.com]

ROFLMAO!

I am the first person to admit that I can't read J extremely well, but then again, he doesn't seem to be any harder or easier to read than the majority of people I know (or even the ones I don't know). But it is really funny to hear that some people think those things of him -- I wondered what they were thinking until you came up with the Insecurity Detector theory, which seems very accurate to me. Still, the thought of finding him intimidating is hilarious to me -- then again, people think Dave is intimidating and I often wonder why.

Either way, *I* like him (and you know I like you too!) so give him a hug for me and tell him not to worry about the other folks.

[jencallisto]

now i'm trying to figure out if he was drunk when i first met him [i think it was at C+A's housewarming, the one Local Midnight played at] 'cause i remember having quite enjoyble conversations with both the two of you and with just him. i think it was only the 2nd time i had met you, as well.

on the other hand, after R&G he stopped by to pick something up from Mikka (we lived in the same apartment at the time), and i happened to be the one home to hand it to him. there was basically very little interaction beyond me telling him he did a great job, and i remember very vaguely wondering if i had somehow bothered him... but that seemed pretty farfetched; i figured it was just errand-running busyness.

there are a few other people around who have also noticed that they unintentionally intimidate people; i think this is the first time i've heard it described in terms of vulcan-nature, though.

[androidqueen.livejournal.com]

interesting. i'd gotten to the point of "he's not thinking what i think he's thinking," but not much further. :)

[gilana]

Luckily, he speaks hug fluently. I went through too many cycles of thinking I was annoying him and should back off, then getting the most wonderfully warm and present hugs I've ever had, before finally deciding to just trust that he likes me. More or less. :)

[muffyjo]

I got lucky, since I met you in London, I just rather assumed that he was slightly british. ;) And I agree with gilana in that he speaks hug VERY fluently. I do highly recommend this translation, daily if possible.

[rmd.livejournal.com]

He's extremely outgoing, chatty and affectionate when he's tipsy--more than once he has talked someone's ear off at a party, believe it or not.

yow!

[chanaleh.livejournal.com]

Fascinating. :-)

Hey, are you guys going to come to Joelll's b'day party tomorrow (Saturday) night?

[lillibet.livejournal.com]

No, we've got another pressing engagement. But I'll miss the chance to see you!

[chanaleh.livejournal.com]

Likewise -- but see you on the 13th!

[bacall.livejournal.com]

This is hilarious.

And I will admit, I really thought J did not like me...until the MITC cast party, when he started drinking and hugging. ;)

[tcb.livejournal.com]

*amused*

yes, J jas generally struck me as .. reserved, which can certainly intimidate some. and I agree, he does have some very interesting and very unique facial expressions. I especially love the raised eyebrow that strikes me as very vulcan..

but I know that I have had a few (and would of course welcome more) good conversations with him, and it was positively delightful and amusing to see him so loosened up at the MitC cast party ;)

[lillibet.livejournal.com]

Yeah, he kind of blew jimmystagger's mind that night.

[lionsburg.livejournal.com]

Funny, the only thing about Jason (gee Jason aren't you glad we are all talking behind your back like this!) that is slightly frustrating is his lack of conversational leadership. One's arm gets a little tired while having to keep the ball bouncing all the time.

Next time I see you both, I want to run an improv acting experiment. On the world "Go", Elizabeth you will act like a non-opinionated very shy wife. Jason you will be the extremely talkative husband not allowing your wife, or anyone else at the table, to get a word in edge wise.

I fear this will end in tragedy as Elizabeth will explode due to an internal core-breech of contained verbal energy and Jason will blow out his jaw and pull every possible tongue muscle cell due to over exertion. After the various former Elizabeth bits have settled about the room, a expressionless Jason will simply raise an eyebrow while looking at yours-truly who deeply regrets having tried and tampered with the nature of the universe.

[lillibet.livejournal.com]

Actually, Jason's reading this. We had a good chat about it in the shower this morning and he's been interested to see everyone's responses.

One of the reasons we tend to split up at parties is that I know if I'm standing next to him, no one will really get to talk to him and it's important to me that he have a chance to establish his own connections with people. Of course, the problem with that theory is that it requires other people to make conversation with him, since I'm not there to do it.

[dpolicar]

Give it five years and you'll just be having his conversations for him, alongside your own. That will make things simpler for everyone... :-)

[jicama]

Simpler, but rather counter-productive :P

[quietann.livejournal.com]

i don't really feel like I know J well enough to comment on the main topic, but...

My brother, who was at the wedding (very tall, short hair, very blond), is another one of those people who doesn't say much until he's got a beer or two in him. Our parents used to give him good beer when they wanted to know what was going on in his life...

[minkrose]

hey. i wander through your LJ from time to time. hopefully you get comments emailed to you or you'll likely never read this.
I think I just have an over-developed sense of confidence around T@F people, because I was never intimidated by J. I never really felt like he specifically connected with me, but I'm not around much and I don't have much (really) to say to him. I was absolutely sure that what I did say to him got through and the responses I got to comments I made were relevent and thought-out, so I went with the "okay, he doesn't hate me" instinct. We had a bit of conversation backstage during MitC about the content of the play (which I had read for my Tragedy class). I think that seeing him in the language skit from All in the Timing helped - a rather talkative character that I found extremely amusing and interesting. I got the feeling he was a pretty genuinely nice person from that.

kinda nice to know I was on the right track and really had nothing to worry about. Also makes me wonder if I'm less insecure than I tend to think I am. I know I can be very shy about certain situations (like calling businesses to ask any kind of question) but very outgoing in others (T@F cast parties, apparently!).

and i agree with your comment about blowing jimmy's mind - Jim mentioned it days later, too. I don't really think of Jimmy being intimidated, so I've been laughing about it ever since the party.

[lillibet.livejournal.com]

I not only read it, I made sure J. did, as well.

Thanks!