Sandbox Friends

[lillibet]

This came up tangentially on my f-list and made me want to spread the idea a little further.

Watching kids develop relationships is interesting. A lot of their "friends" are what I've heard referred to as "Sandbox Friends". You know: here I am in this sandbox and look, you're here too--let's be friends! And they play together very happily for half an hour or three hours and may see each other there every afternoon, or once in a while--and the relationship picks right up again and works just fine--or never again in their lives.

As kids get older and start to figure out, for example, that other kids have names (it surprised me how slow this particular development was) and to recognize the same kids in different contexts and see the same kids on a regular basis, they start to develop relationships that become more and more like adult concepts of friendship. Let's call these Lasting Friendships.

Lasting Friendships aren't any more real than Sandbox Friendships. Sandbox Friends are important. We find ourselves in all kinds of sandboxes in our lives--classes and camps and offices and shows and units and campaigns and churches--and we need to interact and get along with the other people there in a cordial manner, to make the sandbox a pleasant space. And we continue to evaluate and differentiate between people in these contexts--the one who always brings the cool shovels, the one who has a knack for building sandforts, and the one who will kick sand in your face if they feel thwarted or are late for their nap today. We establish those with whom we have rapport and those from whom we prefer to keep a safe distance where possible.

Some Sandbox Friends become Lasting Friends. In fact, I think that most Lasting Friendships start in the sandbox. You find that your rapport with them extends beyond a particular sandbox, that you enjoy spending time together elsewhere, that you feel safe discussing less gritty aspects of your lives, that you keep in touch even if one or both of you stops frequenting the sandbox entirely.

And some Sandbox Friends don't. Even though you have a great time together in the sandbox and accomplish great feats of particulate engineering while laughing at each other's jokes, if you're not in the sandbox, there's nothing to connect you. If you run into each other on the swings, you'll say hi and smile and be glad to have seen each other, but you won't invite each other home for juice or even make a date to meet at the sandbox tomorrow. And that doesn't mean that what you share in the sandbox isn't real, or that your pal doesn't like you, it just means that your relationship is limited to that particular context.

Value your Sandbox Friends. Leave yourself open to pursuing Lasting Friendships and recognizing them when they develop. But don't expect the same things from both.

Comments

[deguspice.livejournal.com]

SF conventions are a good place to make "Sandbox Friends". You see them once a year (or more often if you follow overlapping convention circuits). Eventually some of those can develop into "Lasting Friendships".

[lillibet.livejournal.com]

Yup. Pretty much any shared activity generates Sandbox Friends, anything that throws people together for reasons other than "we want to spend time together".

[schmoomom.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad you expanded further on this. I think it's fascinating.

[lillibet.livejournal.com]

Oh, good. And here I thought I was just blathering ;)

[mangosteen]

It's a very interesting perspective. Thank you for sharing it. How would you contrast "Sandbox Friend" with "activity partner"?

[lillibet.livejournal.com]

I think most Activity Partners are probably Sandbox Friends. I think the question would be, if you had to give up e.g. squash due to injury, would you try to find another activity in which to partner with them? On the other hand, I think a long enough association as Activity Partners can be a form of Lasting Friendship, but it depends a lot on the tone of the relationship.

[fanw.livejournal.com]

That an excellent observation. Right now big_jewfro and I have a lot of Sandbox friends. We have even had some people over to the house, but what we're missing? Local lasting friendships. I think mostly this is because they haven't had a chance to grow and "last". But we sure do miss the kinds of people you can call up not just when you want to have a good time, but when you've had a crappy time and you need to vent!

[lillibet.livejournal.com]

Absolutely. Moving puts you in a whole new sandbox (or set of sandboxes, really) and figuring out which friends might transcend that context and developing the relationships past the boundaries of the sandbox takes time and attention.

You're welcome to call and vent at me any time :)

[desireearmfeldt]

I used to not value sandbox friends, or perhaps, think of myself as not having any though that wasn't strictly true. One of the strange (in a good way!) things about the life I've developed these days is it involves LOTS AND LOTS of sandbox friends (and things like LJ help with maintenance of those connections). But I always get to feeling unbalanced/deficient when I spend my time nearly exclusively with sandbox...because at the end of the day, I really need the close, lasting friendships in order to feel socially fulfilled. (On the other hand, the sandbox is the only place I've ever managed to make lasting friends. And I do love sandboxes.)

[lillibet.livejournal.com]

Oh, yes. All of this is true for me, including the ways my life has changed over time. I'm still fairly insecure in assigned groups, but I think I've learned more about how to deal and also how to spot likely allies.

[ceelove.livejournal.com]

Very interesting. I think I'm not good at sandbox friendships, only lasting ones. So when I do the things that others do and enjoy doing in that limited context, I'm mostly experiencing the time as "gosh, I can't *really* talk with any of these people." (Except stuff like my recent amazing Thai massage class, where we had this transformative experience for five days and then went our separate ways.)

[lillibet.livejournal.com]

Based on my experience of you, that doesn't seem implausible to me. Do you experience friendship like love at first sight?

[ceelove.livejournal.com]

Well, I don't think I can speak intelligently about love at first sight, but yes, I tend to have friendship-at-first-conversation. Either someone gets me and brings out my good stuff, or they don't. And if they don't, it seems they're likely to experience me as aloof, reserved, or intimidating.

[firstfrost.livejournal.com]

You are always a source of interesting and illuminating truths. :)

I think role-playing games are a very good sandbox for generating lasting friends, so I've ended up with a great many; theater strikes me as another friend-community-generating sandbox. Music, for me, never really was.

I have on occasion been baffled by a Sandbox Friend treating me as a Lasting Friend after a day together in the sandbox. I am glad to have a way to describe this bafflement, which I didn't really before.

[lillibet.livejournal.com]

Gee, thanks!

I think a lot of people do get confused about the boundaries. I've had a couple of people get really bent out of shape that having worked with them on a show, I don't suddenly want to spend one-on-one time with them, or have long chats about personal stuff. It's not that I'm not open to being friends with people, just that it's not an automatic thing.

[desireearmfeldt]

One of my best friends as a kid, I met at an ice-breaking activity in summer camp and became instant Real Friends with. So, it does occasionally happen like that...which may possibly be why your bafflers expect it to. :)

But usually, I find I have to agonize about how to transition someone from Sandbox Friend to Outside-the-Sandbox friend, especially since historically it's often involved me being the one to make the explicit overtures.

[whitebird.livejournal.com]

You've expressed this very well indeed!

I'd have to say that I have more sandbox friends out here, and, oddly, more lasting friends in the Boston area. Which is weird, but that's where I am today.

[lillibet.livejournal.com]

That is interesting. Do you have ideas about why that's the case? Other than the inherent awesomeness of Boston folk? :)

[whitebird.livejournal.com]

Generally, several years of severe(ish) recluse out here, combined with having a lot of on-line communication with a bunch of east-coasters.

[awhyzip.livejournal.com]

Thanks. This is a nice statement of a useful concept.

[kellyjmf.livejournal.com]

I find I have basically Lasting Sandbox Friends. As a kid I had no experience with lasting friendships. My father was an Army officer and me moved constantly, as did everyone around us. So I made friends quickly and easily and never looked back when one of us moved.

Which means now I completely suck at making regular contact with friends. I have all these people I love from the various sandboxes I've been in but no frequent contact with them unless they initiate it. I read about their lives in LJ and make comments occasionally. I run into people at other people's parties (which I don't go to much either).

WTF? When did my life get so small? Should have never left college. Darn job/mortgage/desire to have a family.

Sorry, should not comment on an empty stomach. Makes me all maudlin. Breakfast first, complete life overhaul later.

[lillibet.livejournal.com]

Yeah, but you're such a cool person that people love to see you :)

Speaking of which--grown-up dinner, soon!

[r-ness.livejournal.com]

NPR did an interview with Melinda Blau, co-author of Consequential Strangers, which I found more interesting than the book. It strikes me that her "consequential strangers" have a lot of overlap with your Sandbox Friends.

[lillibet.livejournal.com]

From the summary, it seems like she's talking about much more casual interactions than one has with Sandbox Friends. I'm not talking about people that you have passing interactions with, but people that you actively engage with--co-workers, classmates, that kind of thing. The sorts of people with whom one has an ongoing relationship with, even if it's limited to a very narrow sphere (or box). How many times have you worked closely with someone in a job for a year or two, seen them every day, been quite friendly, and then never seen them again once you or they go on to another job?

[r-ness.livejournal.com]

That's fair, although I do think she included some co-workers in her category, too.

To me there's quite a spectrum of people, and the categories remain fluid.

[lillibet.livejournal.com]

Well, sure. Every relationship you ever have with another individual is unique.