Sandbox Friends

[lillibet]

This came up tangentially on my f-list and made me want to spread the idea a little further.

Watching kids develop relationships is interesting. A lot of their "friends" are what I've heard referred to as "Sandbox Friends". You know: here I am in this sandbox and look, you're here too--let's be friends! And they play together very happily for half an hour or three hours and may see each other there every afternoon, or once in a while--and the relationship picks right up again and works just fine--or never again in their lives.

As kids get older and start to figure out, for example, that other kids have names (it surprised me how slow this particular development was) and to recognize the same kids in different contexts and see the same kids on a regular basis, they start to develop relationships that become more and more like adult concepts of friendship. Let's call these Lasting Friendships.

Lasting Friendships aren't any more real than Sandbox Friendships. Sandbox Friends are important. We find ourselves in all kinds of sandboxes in our lives--classes and camps and offices and shows and units and campaigns and churches--and we need to interact and get along with the other people there in a cordial manner, to make the sandbox a pleasant space. And we continue to evaluate and differentiate between people in these contexts--the one who always brings the cool shovels, the one who has a knack for building sandforts, and the one who will kick sand in your face if they feel thwarted or are late for their nap today. We establish those with whom we have rapport and those from whom we prefer to keep a safe distance where possible.

Some Sandbox Friends become Lasting Friends. In fact, I think that most Lasting Friendships start in the sandbox. You find that your rapport with them extends beyond a particular sandbox, that you enjoy spending time together elsewhere, that you feel safe discussing less gritty aspects of your lives, that you keep in touch even if one or both of you stops frequenting the sandbox entirely.

And some Sandbox Friends don't. Even though you have a great time together in the sandbox and accomplish great feats of particulate engineering while laughing at each other's jokes, if you're not in the sandbox, there's nothing to connect you. If you run into each other on the swings, you'll say hi and smile and be glad to have seen each other, but you won't invite each other home for juice or even make a date to meet at the sandbox tomorrow. And that doesn't mean that what you share in the sandbox isn't real, or that your pal doesn't like you, it just means that your relationship is limited to that particular context.

Value your Sandbox Friends. Leave yourself open to pursuing Lasting Friendships and recognizing them when they develop. But don't expect the same things from both.

Comments

[lillibet.livejournal.com]

From the summary, it seems like she's talking about much more casual interactions than one has with Sandbox Friends. I'm not talking about people that you have passing interactions with, but people that you actively engage with--co-workers, classmates, that kind of thing. The sorts of people with whom one has an ongoing relationship with, even if it's limited to a very narrow sphere (or box). How many times have you worked closely with someone in a job for a year or two, seen them every day, been quite friendly, and then never seen them again once you or they go on to another job?

[r-ness.livejournal.com]

That's fair, although I do think she included some co-workers in her category, too.

To me there's quite a spectrum of people, and the categories remain fluid.

[lillibet.livejournal.com]

Well, sure. Every relationship you ever have with another individual is unique.