Some thoughts on NRE

[lillibet]

I had a conversation this evening that was, in part, about how much enthusiasm it's good to show in the very early days of a relationship and how one can scare off potential partners by "coming on too strong". We discussed the internal conflict between displaying all of one's excitement and "playing it cool," and whether the latter is honest or deceptive and why love at first sight all too often backfires by weirding out the object of one's desire. I've thought about this in the past, but the pieces kind of fell together in a different way this time, so I thought I'd share what I found myself thinking.

Here's the thing: when you first meet someone, you don't know that person much at all. So, when you start calling four times a day and responding instantly to every email and making it abundantly clear that you think that person is the coolest thing since poptarts...it's not really about that person, it's about your instantaneous construction of that person from a few minutes of conversation, a brief interlude of flirting, a moment of connection. You've got a lot of love to give and you're enthusiastic about the possibilities of this person and you want to share all of that with them.

But when you're the other person in question, you know that you're probably not as undilutedly cool as they think you are right this minute and their enthusiasm betrays a set of expectations that can be burdensome and you may not have the capacity to absorb all the attention and love that they've had lying in wait for the right person. Mostly, it can feel like all of their excitement really has nothing to do with you.

Later in the relationship, all of that enthusiasm can be really wonderful. And I don't mean after-a-year, but just after there's been enough of a sustained connection for someone to believe that you understand they are not simply an idea in your head, that they have begun the process of becoming real to you. New Relationship Energy is a vital force, but one that can be overwhelming if the pace gets out of synch.

That's all--nothing earthshattering or brilliant, just a way of thinking about starting something with another human being that hadn't quite expressed itself to me that way before. Words of wisdom from the voice of experience, or something like that.

Comments

Yes, that makes a lot of sense.

[billmarrs.livejournal.com]

I suspect there are a number of corollaries that we could derive from this as well. For example, people who have a tendency to get very excited about new people in their lives, frequently struggle with having to deal with bad reactions. Thus, they would end up with a number of coping strategies to deal with this.

On the other hand, people who have a bad reaction to enthusiasm from someone new may tend to avoid new people and or choose to spend most of their time with people who aren't very enthusiastic.

Then, there's the people who love that enthusiasm and thrive on it. For them, it's likely very hard to have a longterm relationship, because the enthusiasm fades over time and they lose what keeps them going.

Re: Yes, that makes a lot of sense.

[weegoddess.livejournal.com]

Then, there's the people who love that enthusiasm and thrive on it. For them, it's likely very hard to have a longterm relationship, because the enthusiasm fades over time and they lose what keeps them going.


I admit to being like this in the past, and it burned me terribly. But I gotta say that I still do thrive on enthusiasm, even while I try to keep it in perspective.

Re: Yes, that makes a lot of sense.

[eclecticavatar.livejournal.com]

Guilty as charged. But there must be a way to maintain that, somehow. People like me figure it out, eventually, I suppose. (I hope..)

Re: Yes, that makes a lot of sense.

[marmota.livejournal.com]

On the other hand, people who have a bad reaction to enthusiasm from someone new may tend to avoid new people and or choose to spend most of their time with people who aren't very enthusiastic.

Absolutely. For most of my life I've avoided or tried to shut down as quickly as possible that whole phenylethylamine poisoning effect, because I both can't stand having someone lamprey onto me based solely on their first impression of who they think I am and also because I'm just as poor at regulating it if I let it guide my behavior.

Re: Yes, that makes a lot of sense.

[xthread.livejournal.com]

Then, there's the people who love that enthusiasm and thrive on it. For them, it's likely very hard to have a longterm relationship, because the enthusiasm fades over time and they lose what keeps them going.

Therapeutic professionals report that one of the painfully common symptoms of depression is good old-fashioned infidelity - because one spouse is depressed, the intensity of their bond with their partner is no longer sufficiently high-amplitude to be percieved over the ongoing level of distress of their depression, and after a period of 'why doesn't he/she love me anymore?' they go shopping for a new relationship, because NRE is sufficiently high amplitude that they can perceive that the other person feels something for them. This, of course, leaves the now-scorned partner wondering <What did I do?> and truly unprepared for the fact that it really mostly isn't about them.

This was one of the creepier discoveries I've made in the last three years.