Some thoughts on NRE

[lillibet]

I had a conversation this evening that was, in part, about how much enthusiasm it's good to show in the very early days of a relationship and how one can scare off potential partners by "coming on too strong". We discussed the internal conflict between displaying all of one's excitement and "playing it cool," and whether the latter is honest or deceptive and why love at first sight all too often backfires by weirding out the object of one's desire. I've thought about this in the past, but the pieces kind of fell together in a different way this time, so I thought I'd share what I found myself thinking.

Here's the thing: when you first meet someone, you don't know that person much at all. So, when you start calling four times a day and responding instantly to every email and making it abundantly clear that you think that person is the coolest thing since poptarts...it's not really about that person, it's about your instantaneous construction of that person from a few minutes of conversation, a brief interlude of flirting, a moment of connection. You've got a lot of love to give and you're enthusiastic about the possibilities of this person and you want to share all of that with them.

But when you're the other person in question, you know that you're probably not as undilutedly cool as they think you are right this minute and their enthusiasm betrays a set of expectations that can be burdensome and you may not have the capacity to absorb all the attention and love that they've had lying in wait for the right person. Mostly, it can feel like all of their excitement really has nothing to do with you.

Later in the relationship, all of that enthusiasm can be really wonderful. And I don't mean after-a-year, but just after there's been enough of a sustained connection for someone to believe that you understand they are not simply an idea in your head, that they have begun the process of becoming real to you. New Relationship Energy is a vital force, but one that can be overwhelming if the pace gets out of synch.

That's all--nothing earthshattering or brilliant, just a way of thinking about starting something with another human being that hadn't quite expressed itself to me that way before. Words of wisdom from the voice of experience, or something like that.

Comments

[r-ness.livejournal.com]

That makes a great deal of sense. It's a fragile time, the beginning of a relationship, and if you're out of synch in any number of ways the whole thing occasionally shatters.

I wonder if the implication of this is that someone who really believes they're undilutedly cool feels differently about the level of adulation they get from someone in NRE. Although perhaps that would require they be really arrogant, and then things would implode because of that at a slightly different point.

Another implication is that greater experience tends to attenuate this reaction; a few times around the block, one perhaps understands that no one is the coolest thing since poptarts, no matter how cool they seem at the time. (So, I admit that poptarts set a high bar.)

But a while after that maybe one figures out that it's okay, that pretty cool is a rare enough thing as it is.

[ariwriter.livejournal.com]

What is NRE?

[lillibet.livejournal.com]

New Relationship Energy is a vital force, but one that can be overwhelming if the pace gets out of synch.

[kjc007.livejournal.com]

I dunno what NRE is, but this behavior pattern is very similar for new friendships as well.

[lillibet.livejournal.com]

New Relationship Energy is a vital force, but one that can be overwhelming if the pace gets out of synch.

Yes, that makes a lot of sense.

[billmarrs.livejournal.com]

I suspect there are a number of corollaries that we could derive from this as well. For example, people who have a tendency to get very excited about new people in their lives, frequently struggle with having to deal with bad reactions. Thus, they would end up with a number of coping strategies to deal with this.

On the other hand, people who have a bad reaction to enthusiasm from someone new may tend to avoid new people and or choose to spend most of their time with people who aren't very enthusiastic.

Then, there's the people who love that enthusiasm and thrive on it. For them, it's likely very hard to have a longterm relationship, because the enthusiasm fades over time and they lose what keeps them going.

Re: Yes, that makes a lot of sense.

[weegoddess.livejournal.com]

Then, there's the people who love that enthusiasm and thrive on it. For them, it's likely very hard to have a longterm relationship, because the enthusiasm fades over time and they lose what keeps them going.


I admit to being like this in the past, and it burned me terribly. But I gotta say that I still do thrive on enthusiasm, even while I try to keep it in perspective.

Re: Yes, that makes a lot of sense.

[eclecticavatar.livejournal.com]

Guilty as charged. But there must be a way to maintain that, somehow. People like me figure it out, eventually, I suppose. (I hope..)

Re: Yes, that makes a lot of sense.

[marmota.livejournal.com]

On the other hand, people who have a bad reaction to enthusiasm from someone new may tend to avoid new people and or choose to spend most of their time with people who aren't very enthusiastic.

Absolutely. For most of my life I've avoided or tried to shut down as quickly as possible that whole phenylethylamine poisoning effect, because I both can't stand having someone lamprey onto me based solely on their first impression of who they think I am and also because I'm just as poor at regulating it if I let it guide my behavior.

Re: Yes, that makes a lot of sense.

[xthread.livejournal.com]

Then, there's the people who love that enthusiasm and thrive on it. For them, it's likely very hard to have a longterm relationship, because the enthusiasm fades over time and they lose what keeps them going.

Therapeutic professionals report that one of the painfully common symptoms of depression is good old-fashioned infidelity - because one spouse is depressed, the intensity of their bond with their partner is no longer sufficiently high-amplitude to be percieved over the ongoing level of distress of their depression, and after a period of 'why doesn't he/she love me anymore?' they go shopping for a new relationship, because NRE is sufficiently high amplitude that they can perceive that the other person feels something for them. This, of course, leaves the now-scorned partner wondering <What did I do?> and truly unprepared for the fact that it really mostly isn't about them.

This was one of the creepier discoveries I've made in the last three years.

[joyeous.livejournal.com]

I admit I have a bit of NRE right now. ;-) But for me, that doesn't mean calling the person 4 times a day or responding immediately to every email. I don't think I have ever called anybody more than once a day in my life (except with my Verizon Wireless phone which pretty much requires calling the same person 4 times during one conversation due to dropped calls). But anyway, for me, wanting to call or email the person at all is NRE. So I don't *think* I come across too strong in any of my relationships. But that's not due to me having to consciously try to play it cool. I think maybe I just don't show excitement as much as some people. But for anyone who knows me, it's fairly obvious that the excitement is there, although compared to the average person it maybe just looks like a typical amount of energy.

Conversely, I've never had someone display too much excitement over me, so I've never had to deal with the possibility that I'm going to have to let them down that I'm not as cool as they think I am.

[eclecticavatar.livejournal.com]

Thank your lucky stars, girlfriend! I once had someone (jokingly, he claimed) propose to me on the first date. I think it was because I liked some indie band that he assumed no one had ever heard of.

Yeah... that was way too much enthusiasm for me. He got a second date and a few more after that, but it was always obvious that he was way more into it than I was, so it fizzled.

[weegoddess.livejournal.com]

But when you're the other person in question, you know that you're probably not as undilutedly cool as they think you are right this minute and their enthusiasm betrays a set of expectations that can be burdensome and you may not have the capacity to absorb all the attention and love that they've had lying in wait for the right person. Mostly, it can feel like all of their excitement really has nothing to do with you.

That's a really elegant way to put it and it's exactly how it feels to me. I've been burned badly by it before and now it's hard to really get swept up, since I expect that any minute the person will wake up and see that I'm not the person they projected.

I've been sorta going through that recently; and *only* recently have I been starting to actually believe that I really am the person he loves.

Man, I've gotten cynical in my advanced age.

foolish thing desire

[eclecticavatar.livejournal.com]

I love NRE. I thrive on it, in fact. This may be why a lot of my relationships don't last when it begins to wear off. However, I do feel that there must be a way to make it last. You and J (and several of my other friends) have that going and I look to that sort of model for hope.

Being able to tell the difference between enthusiasm for the person and enthusiasm for just being in a new relationship has rather eluded me in the past. I've gone through entire relationships where I haven't figured it out until it was over!

I'm also the kind of gal, though, that throws herself headlong into everything, no matter how badly it could end. Forget regret and all that business. I'm a firm believer that if it seems like there's something there, go for it and damn the consequences. Things can be figured out as the story unfolds. That being said, I detest playing it "cool" and have only taken that sort of stance if it's the other person's wish. Doesn't mean I have to like it, though! ;)

All in all, I'm just a romantic fool. Have to keep hope alive, somehow.

Re: foolish thing desire

[jicama]

I think an important thing to understand is that the relationships you mention as a model, at least mine and E's, aren't about preserving NRE. It's fun while it lasts, but it can't last forever. Good long-term relationships find something to replace it, they don't try to cling to it as it slips away. It's like the difference between fireworks and a fire in the fireplace. Both are lovely, but they aren't the same.

Note that one appeal of poly relationships is that they allow people to have both love and NRE at the same time.

Re: foolish thing desire

[weegoddess.livejournal.com]

Note that one appeal of poly relationships is that they allow people to have both love and NRE at the same time.

*bursts into applause*

That's the kind of sentiment that would convince one to join the Poly team. You should write PR. ;-)

[eclecticavatar.livejournal.com]

Also? Thanks for posting about this. It's good to see that there's a crowd of people out there that also have these same thoughts and situations.

feels about right to me

[qbaz.livejournal.com]

if you like this kind of musing with some Oliver Sacks-style neurology thrown in, you might like the book "A General Theory of Love" -- I read it several years ago and found it utterly fascinating.

[starphire.livejournal.com]

If you hadn't said something quite like this before, I certainly recognize some of these thoughts coming from you.

Mostly, it can feel like all of their excitement really has nothing to do with you.

Funny, I don't think I've felt that way before. I guess I'm happy that they're excited about the potential of me, and I assume optimistically that at least some of the real me will match some of those expectations.

[xthread.livejournal.com]

Observation One: Let me again recommend the body of work from The Gottman Institure, especially The Seven Secrets for a Successful Marriage, which spends a fair bit of ink (admittedly pop-psych ink) on the physiology and neuroanatomy of such things, in addition to a phenomenal raft of actual data-derived information about r'ship structure, long-term prognosis, etc.

Observation Two: the days of heady NRE are useful in a couple of ways - first, it gives you a biological reason to ignore when one's new paramour demonstrates idiosyncratic behaviors, like leaving all of their clothes on the floor in the morning or biting the heads off of bats. Since it's a lot easier to decide whether or not one wishes to cope with such idiosyncrasies if one is actually exposed to them, this is more useful than it may first appear. Secondly, I think that the very mismatch you report is itself useful - if one of you is far more compelled by your imagining of the other person than they are by their imagining of you, that's probably a good sign that this will not be a smooth and mutually fulfilling relationship.

Observation Three: it can feel like all of their excitement really has nothing to do with you. Hmm. I really think that says a lot more about the object of the affection having issues than the source of the affection. I think that this phrase is particularly telling: you know that you're probably not as undilutedly cool as they think you are right this minute - isn't that really a matter of their choice and their perception, not yours? I mean, sure, you may know that you bite the heads off of bats occasionally and that's kind of off-putting to most folks and your charming new sweetie may not know that yet, but still, how compelling someone else finds you really is about how interacting with you works for them, and that's not something you have any direct insight into - all you know is what they tell you and what you can glean from what they do. I guess what I'm trying to say in a nut-shell is that any permutation of Don't You Dare Put Me On A Pedastal, I'm Afraid Of Heights! is not appreciably more sane than You Must Put Me On A Pedastal Or You're Not Worth My Time. They're just different from each other.

Fixed Link

[xthread.livejournal.com]

The Gottman book I was trying to recommend is at The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Re: Fixed Link

[lillibet.livejournal.com]

Looks interesting. I will check it out.

I think what I'm going for here is how to deal (from either end, really) with a relationship where both of you are genuinely interested, but one of you is putting in a lot more energy and attention in, say, the first two weeks? If you're sending 12 text messages a day and getting one back, are you comfortable with that? If they want to see you every night and yeah, you're psyched to see them, but this week is kind of busy, how do you communicate that without rejecting them completely? I see a lot of people failing to find a good balance and screwing up in the first few days what seem like relationships that might well be a Good Thing (tm) if allowed to mature at a slightly less breakneck pace.

Re: Fixed Link

[xthread.livejournal.com]

but one of you is putting in a lot more energy and attention in, say, the first two weeks

My inclination, having been on the horribly wrong end (both) of that equation on more than one occasion, is to treat the impedance mismatch as data, take a step back, and try again later (or not). But that's based on a huge assumption of my own, that those kinds of impedance mismatch are evidence of an underlying disconnect in the individuals' interests, energy levels, etc, and that rather than fight up hill through the imbalance, it's better to step back and re-engage later when it's possible that the impedance mismatch is less spectacular.

Upon further reflection, I think that I say that in part because I've been observed to come on much stronger than the listener was expecting - in my case, I believe that it's usually an imbalance in baseline energy levels, because I'm a fairly high-energy sort, and many other people aren't. And I've been most recently horribly burned by people who were much lower energy trying desperately to keep up and failing, and my having to deal with those results, so I'd rather fail cheap and early than later and more expensively.

Re: Fixed Link

[lillibet.livejournal.com]

Nod.

Whereas I think I've focused more on changing my own behaviors, on the theory that I have at least significant influence, if not control, over those and that if I'm hitting similar patterns with multiple people, it might actually be worth trying to adjust my end of the equation and seeing what that does.

Re: Fixed Link

[xthread.livejournal.com]

Well.. certainly, any time the same thing is happening with some frequency between oneself and other people, one should at least go look at the possiblity that it's not them, it's you.

There's definitely some fairly complicated cross-product in there about how much is it valuable to change one's own behavior to change one's impact on the world around one, and how valuable it is to change the pond in which one is swimming so that the denizens one meets are different and have different reactions. It seems to me that optimizing one's behavior to improve results with people that one is fairly compatible with is worthwhile, and optimizing one's behavior to reduce how spectacularly bad one's interactions are with people with whom one is barely compatible at all, and in between is a vast gulf. This year, I'm fairly comfortable with the notion that some things are too hard, or too unrewarding, from the outset, and that that's okay.

Of course, this year, I'm not feeling cold and alone and unloveable, even when I am waking up from truly awful nightmares, so I'm acting accordingly.

And another thing..

[xthread.livejournal.com]

The other benefit of mucking with one's own behavior is that one has an awful lot more control over it, no matter how poor one's abilities are with respect to changing one's own behavior, than one has over anyone else's behaviors.