Some thoughts on NRE

[lillibet]

I had a conversation this evening that was, in part, about how much enthusiasm it's good to show in the very early days of a relationship and how one can scare off potential partners by "coming on too strong". We discussed the internal conflict between displaying all of one's excitement and "playing it cool," and whether the latter is honest or deceptive and why love at first sight all too often backfires by weirding out the object of one's desire. I've thought about this in the past, but the pieces kind of fell together in a different way this time, so I thought I'd share what I found myself thinking.

Here's the thing: when you first meet someone, you don't know that person much at all. So, when you start calling four times a day and responding instantly to every email and making it abundantly clear that you think that person is the coolest thing since poptarts...it's not really about that person, it's about your instantaneous construction of that person from a few minutes of conversation, a brief interlude of flirting, a moment of connection. You've got a lot of love to give and you're enthusiastic about the possibilities of this person and you want to share all of that with them.

But when you're the other person in question, you know that you're probably not as undilutedly cool as they think you are right this minute and their enthusiasm betrays a set of expectations that can be burdensome and you may not have the capacity to absorb all the attention and love that they've had lying in wait for the right person. Mostly, it can feel like all of their excitement really has nothing to do with you.

Later in the relationship, all of that enthusiasm can be really wonderful. And I don't mean after-a-year, but just after there's been enough of a sustained connection for someone to believe that you understand they are not simply an idea in your head, that they have begun the process of becoming real to you. New Relationship Energy is a vital force, but one that can be overwhelming if the pace gets out of synch.

That's all--nothing earthshattering or brilliant, just a way of thinking about starting something with another human being that hadn't quite expressed itself to me that way before. Words of wisdom from the voice of experience, or something like that.

Comments

foolish thing desire

[eclecticavatar.livejournal.com]

I love NRE. I thrive on it, in fact. This may be why a lot of my relationships don't last when it begins to wear off. However, I do feel that there must be a way to make it last. You and J (and several of my other friends) have that going and I look to that sort of model for hope.

Being able to tell the difference between enthusiasm for the person and enthusiasm for just being in a new relationship has rather eluded me in the past. I've gone through entire relationships where I haven't figured it out until it was over!

I'm also the kind of gal, though, that throws herself headlong into everything, no matter how badly it could end. Forget regret and all that business. I'm a firm believer that if it seems like there's something there, go for it and damn the consequences. Things can be figured out as the story unfolds. That being said, I detest playing it "cool" and have only taken that sort of stance if it's the other person's wish. Doesn't mean I have to like it, though! ;)

All in all, I'm just a romantic fool. Have to keep hope alive, somehow.

Re: foolish thing desire

[jicama]

I think an important thing to understand is that the relationships you mention as a model, at least mine and E's, aren't about preserving NRE. It's fun while it lasts, but it can't last forever. Good long-term relationships find something to replace it, they don't try to cling to it as it slips away. It's like the difference between fireworks and a fire in the fireplace. Both are lovely, but they aren't the same.

Note that one appeal of poly relationships is that they allow people to have both love and NRE at the same time.

Re: foolish thing desire

[weegoddess.livejournal.com]

Note that one appeal of poly relationships is that they allow people to have both love and NRE at the same time.

*bursts into applause*

That's the kind of sentiment that would convince one to join the Poly team. You should write PR. ;-)